Vacation....

We just got back from California and have lots of stories and pictures to share after I go through all of them and give my self some breathe for a minute. The vacation was very nice and very much needed! But then I got back home and reality hit and depression has hit bad! I thought I was doing really good til I got home and started folding clothes and realized I had to put all my maternity clothes away and my dress I ordered 2 days before I found out no heart beat again came in the mail lets just say I broke down. It also makes it hard that I have to go back to the dr for one loss and now that it is getting warm enough get a headstone and all that stuff figured out for Parker. And my due date for Parker is in a week which I am sure is adding to the fire, I was pregnant with lots of people with Parker too and they are all having their babies. I am thrilled for them but I am having a really hard time with it myself. And my Birthday sucked this year!, getting a D&C on your birthday is not an ideal situation! So there is my vent! I needed to get it out :) Now I am going to get my California pictures and post up hopefully by tomorrow so there is a little bit of happiness on our blog since lately it is all pretty depressing!

Thoughts......

So I have so many thoughts right now and I need to get them out of my head and hope that it will help me get through this trial in my life. I am going to write it here on our blog since it is kind of like a journal for me and I print it out in a book for a journal/ scrapbook time thing for my kids later in their lives and for us to read through out our lives. So here it goes it might not make lots of sense cause right now it is a huge jumbled mess in my head.
So loosing Parker in September was the hardest and worse thing I have ever and wanted to ever go through in my life, no one should bury a child. I still have such mixed emotions about loosing him and in Dec. we found out we were expecting again. I was thrilled and scared out of my mind! I have never ever been so scared in my life to have to go to the Dr. It was such a weird feeling to not be excited to go to the Dr and hear the babies heartbeat like I would with all of my other pregnancies. Then at my 12 week appointment to have all of my fears happen all over again and to re live my last appointment with Parker was a huge stab in the heart! As the Dr is telling me it is still early and sometimes hard to find a babies heart beat at 12 weeks they can still hide I knew what was going on I just did this 5 months ago I couldn't even cry I was so numb and didn't want to feel anything. So off I go to get a ultrasound and have my worse fears conformed again was horrible! Then you have all these choices of what to do and how to handle it. It was so much for me to have to deal with. Now that i have lost this baby it is so weird cause I am super sad and frustrated and so many emotions I don't even know how or what to think. Some times I just think it is all a dream and I am still pregnant then I have to remind my self I'm not. Then I think how could anyone go through this without the gospel!!?? Cause I know a million percent I couldn't do it! I am so thankful to have the knowledge that I have and For a Father in Heaven that is always there to comfort me. I can't even count the times I have knelt down and prayed with all of my heart to feel comfort and know that he has a plan for me and I am doing everything I am suppose to and that I haven't done anything wrong. An it is always amazing to me the love I feel that very instant. What would I do with out a husband that can give me priesthood blessings I don't know cause I get them A LOT! How could I not know that my babies are safe and in a good place and that they are mine and no one else's. I love the gospel the love of my family and friends during such trying times. Ok so I hope all of that makes sense cause I am not even going to proof read it cause I am hoping to clear my head a little!
On a brighter note we are going to Disneyland next week and I am so excited to get away from life and have a fun vacation and spend some time as a family cause that is defiantly what I need right now! So be waiting for a post in a couple weeks about all of out FUN!

Amber Lost her Tooth!

Amber lost her first tooth this morning! So weird to think I have a child that is old enough for that!I swear I am not old enough for that yet! She was so scared to let me pull it out, I told her it was not going to hurt cause it was barely hanging on in her mouth. She still didn't think that was a good idea. I finally talked her into it and hot some toilet paper, grabbed on too the tooth and told her I was going to count to 3. hahaha she had the look of horror on her face and I started to count got to 3 and pop it was out she looked at me and said " is it out" me "yes" her " I didn't even feel anything" me" hahaha I know I told you it wouldn't hurt". She then has been so happy about it and to think the Tooth Fairy gets to come tonight she has told me and Nic about a million times now!

Christmas ( late I know)

So I am so behind I know! I can not find my camera anywhere! It is so frustrating so I can't do my Thanksgiving post I have been wanting to do cause I don't have the pictures i want to put up. So I am going to just skip that for now and move on the Christmas.


We had a Great Christmas this year with all of our familys. The morning started out with us waking our kids up cause everyone was waiting on them so finally at 8 or so we woke them up and let them go see if santa came! And he did luckily they were good enough for him to show up this year :) So we took all our presents down stairs so we could all open presents together since Todd and Connie and their family was moving to Texas. It was lots of fun to be all together as a family and see everyones excitement when they opened their presents. Amber and Masen each got a zu zu pet that they have been begging for for so long. They both go leapsters and have so much fun playing with them, then they got a bunch of just little things. Jaxen got Micky Mouse, Mickey Mouse and more Mickey mouse :) HE loves Micky mouse and didn't want to open anything else after he saw the first thing. I got a cricket which is so much fun! And Nic got lots of playstation games ( what else)

After opening presents we all got ready for the day and headed up to my moms for breakfast and opening presents there. The kids all got blankets for grandma and grandpa ( which I personally love and use all the time :) And we got the best present ever and Visa gift card for food storage! So all in all we had a Great christmas! But ia am very greatful it is all over and we survived and so ready for spring :)

Halloween

We ahd a fun and rainy Halloween this year! We started the night out at my mom's wards Tunk or Treat which turned into Church Hallway Treating :) The kids had lots of fun haning out with Aunts and Uncles and cousins. We headed home after taht to hangout with Nic's family and when we got to Provo the rain stopped here so we took the kids out aroung the neighborhood for a little "real Trick or Treating" as Nic calls it :) then came back home and sat around and visited with family. Now if I could make all of this candy disappear so that I don't think I need to eat it I would be very happy :)

Jaxen - The Cutest Cowboy around

Masen- Spider Man ( He totally lucked out that his Daddy found him this costume at the last minute cause he decided he could only be spider man and wouldn't have it any other way)

Amber- Barbie and the 3 Musketeer ( her and her aunt Jessica love this show and decided they needed to be them so they were the 2 musketeers :) )

Parkers Angel Day......

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the wonderful comments, flowers, messages, and everything else everyone did for us at this hard time in our lives. On Sept. 23rd we had a small burial for Parker. We actually got to bury him in my grandmas plot which is a comfort all in its own, since she was by her self and I didn't want him by himself so now they are together and I just love the thought of that :) Nic was able to give him a name and a blessing which was very nice and he did a wonderful job despite being terrified :) Just thought I would share some pictures of the Balloons Jenni got for all the kids to send off to Parker. There is also a picture of the beautiful flowers my friend Mallory did they were so pretty. Thank you again we are doing lots better I still have my good and bad days more bad then good still but I am doing better. I honestly don't know what I would do without the gospel in my life it would make this so much harder to go through. I wanted to share a picture with everyone that has been a huge comfort also my sister in-law Connie and our friends Melissa and Darcie got this for me and it is just PERFECT there are no other words for it just PERFECT!

Living my own worst nightmare!

For those of you that didn't know at the end of June we found out we were expecting our 4th! We went to the doctor and found out we were due March 1st, 2010. Everything was going great and normal as my pregnancies go. Morning sickness kicked in and then I started feeling lots better. On Friday Sept. 17th I expected that I had some sort of bladder infection or something of the sort, so I called the Dr. and he had me come in so we could get it taken care of before the weekend. I did all the normal stuff when you get there, checked in, got my weight checked, blood pressure, temp. taken, then waited for the Dr. to get in the room and tell me what kind of infection I had. He came in and looked over my charts and tells me I definitely have a UTI and wrote out a prescription for it. Then he has me lay on the table so we could listen to the babies heart beat. He puts all the goop on my belly and starts searching for the little sound i just longed to hear at that moment, nothing beats that sound when you are 16weeks and can't really feel the baby yet. That is when my nightmare of a night begins. We searched and searched for it he used 3 different dopplers saying it must just be the doppler or the baby is just a really good hider since we just heard the heart beat just 2 weeks before. After 45 min. of searching I knew something was not right, he called over to the hospital so I could go in for a ultrasound. I call Nic hysterical cause he is at work and I didn't want to do this alone. Off I drive to the hospital crying so I can hardly see the road. I get there and register and finally Nic got there to be with me. We go into get the ultra sound done. I lay down on the table again and as soon as I saw the tiny baby I knew it was not good. There was no heart beat he was measuring at 15 weeks so he had been gone for a week. My Dr. came in to explain what this means. There was no reason for it, nothing they could find on the ultrasound to explain what had happened or why this had happened cause it is not a normal thing to happen being in my second trimester. He says maybe we will get some answers after we deliver. He then tells me I needed to head down to labor and delivery right now and they were going to induce me right then. I was so overwhelmed at this point I couldn't even think. I then proceeded to call my mom and Nic called his. Then we made the long walk down to labor and delivery to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life. I in my lovely gown and get all hooked up to an IV. They then come in and tell me everything that is going to happen. My mom and my sister get there and Nic's mom to be with us. They tell me it could take hours since I am totally closed and thick. They took a tiny little pills and put them by my cervix to put me into labor. It all started at 6 pm Friday night and at 2 am on Sat morning our beautiful and perfect tiny little baby boy was born. He was so perfect and there were still no answers to what had happened. They took his tiny little body and weighed him he was 2.8 oz and 5 1/4 inches long. We named him Parker Dell Christensen. The little and most beautiful little thing you would ever see. They bundled him up and handed him to me, we held him for a while then they took his tiny little body down to make some little plaster casts of his feet and hands for us then they took him down to the morg.Where the mortuary picked him up the next morning for us. We are going to bury him with my grandma so that his little body is not alone here on this earth. This is my worst nightmare coming true I have always said I never want to have to bury one of my kids and now I am going through it and it is the hardest thing I have ever done or been through. And I would not wish this upon anyone. I don't know what I would do with out the gospel in my life! I am so truly grateful that he his mine and will always be mine even though he is not here on the earth with us! I am sorry if this post is to graphic but I needed to get all these thoughts out of my head before I explode. I know it is going to take time and lots of it but I know I can get through this and since there are no medical reasons for why this happened I know it happened because our father in heaven had far better plans for him up in heaven and he was just so perfect that he just needed to come down here for a short while to get his body. I am so excited for the day when I get to meet my little Parker again! Thank You for everyone that has been praying for our family they are so much appreciated at this time and I can use all them I can get right now.
Nichole