Thoughts......

So I have so many thoughts right now and I need to get them out of my head and hope that it will help me get through this trial in my life. I am going to write it here on our blog since it is kind of like a journal for me and I print it out in a book for a journal/ scrapbook time thing for my kids later in their lives and for us to read through out our lives. So here it goes it might not make lots of sense cause right now it is a huge jumbled mess in my head.
So loosing Parker in September was the hardest and worse thing I have ever and wanted to ever go through in my life, no one should bury a child. I still have such mixed emotions about loosing him and in Dec. we found out we were expecting again. I was thrilled and scared out of my mind! I have never ever been so scared in my life to have to go to the Dr. It was such a weird feeling to not be excited to go to the Dr and hear the babies heartbeat like I would with all of my other pregnancies. Then at my 12 week appointment to have all of my fears happen all over again and to re live my last appointment with Parker was a huge stab in the heart! As the Dr is telling me it is still early and sometimes hard to find a babies heart beat at 12 weeks they can still hide I knew what was going on I just did this 5 months ago I couldn't even cry I was so numb and didn't want to feel anything. So off I go to get a ultrasound and have my worse fears conformed again was horrible! Then you have all these choices of what to do and how to handle it. It was so much for me to have to deal with. Now that i have lost this baby it is so weird cause I am super sad and frustrated and so many emotions I don't even know how or what to think. Some times I just think it is all a dream and I am still pregnant then I have to remind my self I'm not. Then I think how could anyone go through this without the gospel!!?? Cause I know a million percent I couldn't do it! I am so thankful to have the knowledge that I have and For a Father in Heaven that is always there to comfort me. I can't even count the times I have knelt down and prayed with all of my heart to feel comfort and know that he has a plan for me and I am doing everything I am suppose to and that I haven't done anything wrong. An it is always amazing to me the love I feel that very instant. What would I do with out a husband that can give me priesthood blessings I don't know cause I get them A LOT! How could I not know that my babies are safe and in a good place and that they are mine and no one else's. I love the gospel the love of my family and friends during such trying times. Ok so I hope all of that makes sense cause I am not even going to proof read it cause I am hoping to clear my head a little!
On a brighter note we are going to Disneyland next week and I am so excited to get away from life and have a fun vacation and spend some time as a family cause that is defiantly what I need right now! So be waiting for a post in a couple weeks about all of out FUN!