The Beach

We had so much fun at the beach, the kids had so much fun! It was windy and the water was cold but that did not stop them! Amber got soaked both days we went to the beach and was freeeeeezzzzing by the time it was time to go home. I thought she learned the first time getting so cold but of course not! The second time we went to the beach it was colder and getting ready to storm but she didn't care I even threatened her if she got wet but that didn't even stop her so she ended up soaked from head to toe and Froze all the way back tot he hotel! Masen got wet the first day and decided he was good and didn't want to do that again so he made a little sand castle with his uncle CJ and fed the birds with Grandpa. He loves our sand box at home so of course he would love a HUGE sand box :) Jaxen didn't get wet either day he was cold just by getting out of the car but he loved pretending to run from the waves like the big kids and dad! We had lots of fun finding sea shells and digging holes and I had fun just sitting and doing nothing preparing my body for Disneyland:) I am posting some pictures but not all cause there are TONS!

Masen feeding the Birds

Amber all WET

Masen and CJ's sand castle right before a wave came and destroyed it!

They made chairs :)

Cuddling Cold Jaxen
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Muscles all over the rocks

Vacation....

We just got back from California and have lots of stories and pictures to share after I go through all of them and give my self some breathe for a minute. The vacation was very nice and very much needed! But then I got back home and reality hit and depression has hit bad! I thought I was doing really good til I got home and started folding clothes and realized I had to put all my maternity clothes away and my dress I ordered 2 days before I found out no heart beat again came in the mail lets just say I broke down. It also makes it hard that I have to go back to the dr for one loss and now that it is getting warm enough get a headstone and all that stuff figured out for Parker. And my due date for Parker is in a week which I am sure is adding to the fire, I was pregnant with lots of people with Parker too and they are all having their babies. I am thrilled for them but I am having a really hard time with it myself. And my Birthday sucked this year!, getting a D&C on your birthday is not an ideal situation! So there is my vent! I needed to get it out :) Now I am going to get my California pictures and post up hopefully by tomorrow so there is a little bit of happiness on our blog since lately it is all pretty depressing!

Thoughts......

So I have so many thoughts right now and I need to get them out of my head and hope that it will help me get through this trial in my life. I am going to write it here on our blog since it is kind of like a journal for me and I print it out in a book for a journal/ scrapbook time thing for my kids later in their lives and for us to read through out our lives. So here it goes it might not make lots of sense cause right now it is a huge jumbled mess in my head.
So loosing Parker in September was the hardest and worse thing I have ever and wanted to ever go through in my life, no one should bury a child. I still have such mixed emotions about loosing him and in Dec. we found out we were expecting again. I was thrilled and scared out of my mind! I have never ever been so scared in my life to have to go to the Dr. It was such a weird feeling to not be excited to go to the Dr and hear the babies heartbeat like I would with all of my other pregnancies. Then at my 12 week appointment to have all of my fears happen all over again and to re live my last appointment with Parker was a huge stab in the heart! As the Dr is telling me it is still early and sometimes hard to find a babies heart beat at 12 weeks they can still hide I knew what was going on I just did this 5 months ago I couldn't even cry I was so numb and didn't want to feel anything. So off I go to get a ultrasound and have my worse fears conformed again was horrible! Then you have all these choices of what to do and how to handle it. It was so much for me to have to deal with. Now that i have lost this baby it is so weird cause I am super sad and frustrated and so many emotions I don't even know how or what to think. Some times I just think it is all a dream and I am still pregnant then I have to remind my self I'm not. Then I think how could anyone go through this without the gospel!!?? Cause I know a million percent I couldn't do it! I am so thankful to have the knowledge that I have and For a Father in Heaven that is always there to comfort me. I can't even count the times I have knelt down and prayed with all of my heart to feel comfort and know that he has a plan for me and I am doing everything I am suppose to and that I haven't done anything wrong. An it is always amazing to me the love I feel that very instant. What would I do with out a husband that can give me priesthood blessings I don't know cause I get them A LOT! How could I not know that my babies are safe and in a good place and that they are mine and no one else's. I love the gospel the love of my family and friends during such trying times. Ok so I hope all of that makes sense cause I am not even going to proof read it cause I am hoping to clear my head a little!
On a brighter note we are going to Disneyland next week and I am so excited to get away from life and have a fun vacation and spend some time as a family cause that is defiantly what I need right now! So be waiting for a post in a couple weeks about all of out FUN!

Amber Lost her Tooth!

Amber lost her first tooth this morning! So weird to think I have a child that is old enough for that!I swear I am not old enough for that yet! She was so scared to let me pull it out, I told her it was not going to hurt cause it was barely hanging on in her mouth. She still didn't think that was a good idea. I finally talked her into it and hot some toilet paper, grabbed on too the tooth and told her I was going to count to 3. hahaha she had the look of horror on her face and I started to count got to 3 and pop it was out she looked at me and said " is it out" me "yes" her " I didn't even feel anything" me" hahaha I know I told you it wouldn't hurt". She then has been so happy about it and to think the Tooth Fairy gets to come tonight she has told me and Nic about a million times now!